Little Johnny's Beautiful Mom Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" ---------------------------------------- Little Johnny's Candy Bars Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business! ---------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny's Aching Side At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." -------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny Knows His Numbers The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" --------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny's Most Wanted Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny then asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" ----------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny's Equine Education Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!" ------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny's Report Card Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card." Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." --------------------------------------- Little Johnny Names the Lakes Teachers never give up, and neither does Little Johnny. She asks him, "Can you name the Great Lakes?" You know Johnny, always fast with an answer, pipes up with, "I don't need to. They've already been named." ----------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny Learns Proper Grammar During a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just #$*&^# beautiful!"
Acadia
_________________ The blazing evidence of immortality is our dissatisfaction with any other solution. -- Emerson
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