My Mother Taught Me…

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

I have a little SatNav
It sits there in my car
A SatNav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little SatNav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My SatNav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
and - keeps me warm in bed!

(author unknown)

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Monaghan's flat in Dublin when Sean O'Toole loses all his money on a single hand, stands up, clutches his chest and drops dead.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'OK, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.

He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.

Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants.

Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost all his money and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.'

'I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

LOL! You're on a roll!

_________________

I wasn't sure whether to call it the Worst Joke thread like we had in the old place but went with the laugh part instead.

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this old watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center. Claude was never invited back to entertain.

_________________

Nice one Jay.

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

Thanks to both of you, I had a good chuckle. Joan, that was typical Brit humour, because my family is English. I love that sense of humour.

Cheers: Rich

_________________
"Life's a long song" >>>>> Jethro Tull

Blond Jokes, but some are pretty good.

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me...'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed.
Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed.
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream....
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night....
It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

Those are AWESOME, Pete!

_________________
Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Administrator

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

FROZEN CRABS AND THE BLOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blond flight attendant to take care of them for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for safe
keeping.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a
lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let
them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Many blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.

MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.

It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

Must have been a plump parrot, that was brilliant Peter.

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

Robot that slaps you when you lie


A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie. He decides to test it out on his son at supper.

"Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."
*robot slaps son*

"OK I was at a friends house."
"Doing what?" asked the father. "Watching a movie. Toy Story."
*robot slaps son*

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was."
*robot slaps the father*

The mother laughs and says "He certainly is your son."
*robot slaps the mother.

True or not this is funny.

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

Cute!

_________________
Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Administrator

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

After being married for 40 years, this man said: I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

_________________
"Life's a long song" >>>>> Jethro Tull

There is a house of ill repute, on a hill. There is a man walking up the hill, a man inside the house and a man walking down the hill. What are their nationalities?????

Well, the man walking up the hill is Russian, the man inside the house Himalayin, the man walking down the hill is Finnish

_________________
"Life's a long song" >>>>> Jethro Tull

Just want you to know, that I found this one (and others in this vein) offensive. I guess it's a guy thing.

Signed,
58-year-old me, with a 63-year-old husband.

_________________
Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Administrator

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

Same here and I'm a nearly 69 year old with a 63 year old husband.

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com

My apologies, I didn't mean it to be offensive. I thought the guy would get his just deserts and deservedly so. He was being sexist. I thought it was funny in that he was being a fool.

_________________
"Life's a long song" >>>>> Jethro Tull

I took his statements as sarcastic and his wife was made out to be a shrew.

However, apology accepted.

_________________
Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Administrator

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

Poorly Worded Economics Exam

Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was
heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to
the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States
export?

Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."

Now there's a guy who deserves to graduate!

_________________
Patty MacDuffie
Computer Haven Administrator

Live Long and Prosper
Mr. Spock

Burial At Sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Eventually the time came around, he did pass away and the boys went to keep their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."

The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it 'tis, now hand me da shovel."

_________________
Joan Archer
http://crossstitcher.webs.com